DJ Excellence
ILLIEN
Order in Court
By DJ Gallo
Special to Page 2
Reports surfaced this week that if the Kobe Bryant case goes to trial, Shaquille O'Neal could be called to testify about an alleged encounter Bryant had with a woman at a Thanksgiving party at O'Neal's home in Orlando in 2002.
Of course, we can't be positive how O'Neal's testimony would play out, but we think it would go pretty much like this . . .
[SETTING: EAGLE COUNTY, COLORADO, COURTROOM; EARLY SEPTEMBER 2004]
Kobe Bryant can't wait to get Shaq under oath.
PROSECUTOR EASTER: Your Honor, the prosecution calls Shaquille O'Neal to the stand.
[O'NEAL RISES FROM HIS SEAT IN THE COUTROOM AND WALKS FORWARD. HE FLEXES HIS BICEPS AT THE JURY AND THEN PLACES HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE.]
BAILIFF (TO O'NEAL): Do you solemnly swear the testimony you shall present shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
O'NEAL: I do.
[O'NEAL TAKES A SEAT ON THE WITNESS STAND.]
EASTER:: Mr. O'Neal, for the record, you also go by some known aliases -- Shaq, Shaq-Fu, The Big Aristotle -- is this correct?
O'NEAL: Yes.
EASTER: Are there any other names that you use?
O'NEAL: I used to be called Shaq Attaq. Sometimes I go by Shaq Daddy or Shaq Diesel. And a teammate once called me Wilt Chamberneezy, but I think that one is stupid, just like the former teammate who gave it to me. Today I feel like going by "Kobe's Guilty."
DEFENSE ATTORNEY MACKEY: Objection, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Sustained.
EASTER: Now, Mr. O'Neal, you held a party at your Orlando home on Thanksgiving 2002, is that correct?
O'NEAL: Yes, the Big Aristotle did hold such a party.
JUDGE: Mr. O'Neal, I'm going to tell you what I tell every athlete I've ever had in a trial: You can't refer to yourself in the third person during court proceedings, no matter how difficult that may be for you. It is very confusing when reading back the transcripts.
O'NEAL: The Big Prosecution Witness understands, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Seriously, knock it off.
O'NEAL: TWISM.
JUDGE: Huh? Whatever. Ms. Easter, please continue with your witness.
EASTER: At your 2002 Thanksgiving party, was the defendant, Mr. Bryant, present?
O'NEAL: Yes, he was there.
EASTER: Did you speak with him?
If Phil could get Rodman and MJ to get along, why not these two?
O'NEAL: Not really. We usually avoided each other whenever possible. In fact, I wasn't even going to invite him. but Phil Jackson assigned me a book called "Zen and The Art of Hospitality" that morning; and after reading a little bit of it, I decided to tell Kobe about the party.
EASTER: But you didn't talk to him at the party?
O'NEAL: No, I only heard him talk once.
EASTER: Describe that.
O'NEAL: Everyone on the team was gathered around the coffee table in my living room ogling the Jeannie Buss spread in a "Playboy" that Mark Madsen had brought with him. I remember Kobe saying to Derek Fisher that he thought Jeannie was really hot, but not to tell his wife because he would have to buy her some jewelry if she found out he felt that way.
EASTER: Jewelry?
O'NEAL: Yeah, any time Kobe did even the littlest thing, his ol' lady would give him a bunch of crap for it and make him buy her expensive stuff. I remember one time he forgot to pick up their dry cleaning on the way home from practice and he ended up buying her a $60,000 ruby necklace because of it. Another time he accidentally snuck a peak at the cleavage of a waitress who was pouring them wine when they were out for dinner, and his wife caught him looking. That cost him a diamond necklace that was like five or six hundred thousand dollars, I heard.
EASTER: Seriously?
O'NEAL: Seriously. Dude is whipped with stuff like that. It's almost as bad as Doug Christie and his crazy wife, if you can imagine that.
EASTER: You didn't hear him say anything else that night, other than the comments about Jeannie Buss and his wife to Derek Fisher?
O'NEAL: The only other thing I heard him say is that he wished the party had been held a lot closer to his hotel room so he wouldn't have to travel so far.
EASTER: I see. Did you notice if Mr. Bryant was drinking the night of your party?
O'NEAL: Oh, yeah -- definitely. I had made some Jell-O shots; and I noticed that after he went over to the bar, they were all gone.
EASTER: He took all the shots?
O'NEAL: Kobe always takes all the shots.
EASTER: How many do you think he took that night?
O'NEAL: That night, it was probably 30 or 35. It would have been better if he'd only taken 15 or 20 and passed the rest to me, but he just kept forcing the shots -- one after the other after the other after the other. Shot after shot after shot. On and on. It was so like him.
EASTER: At any time did you see Mr. Bryant alone with the woman who is accusing him of groping her at the party?
O'NEAL: No, I did not see them alone together. I did see Kobe go into a room where there was absolutely no one else, though. I can't say whether she followed him in there or not.
EASTER: You saw him go into an empty room? Why was the room empty?
O'NEAL: In my den on my 80-inch plasma screen that night, I was showing all of my movies on a continuous loop. "Blue Chips," "*****m," "Steel" -- all of them. For whatever reason, that room was empty the whole night. I never saw anybody go in there except Kobe.
Shaq has boycotted the Oscars ever since the *****m snub.
EASTER: Did you see Mr. Bryant leave the room?
O'NEAL: Yeah, he came running out a few seconds later. It looked like his eyes and ears were bleeding.
EASTER: Did you see the woman come out of the room, as well?
O'NEAL: No, I didn't. Look, I'd love to do what I can for you, but I don't think I can be too much help here. I didn't see him with that woman. I do wish you the best of luck in pursuing this case and getting a conviction, though.
EASTER: Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. O'Neal. No further questions.
JUDGE: Your witness, Ms. Mackey.
[BRYANT WHISPERS SOMETHING TO MACKEY BEFORE SHE RISES. SHE NODS HER HEAD AND APPROACHES THE WITNESS STAND.]
MACKEY: Mr. O'Neal, are you fat and lazy? And have you relied on your God-given size and strength your whole career instead of working to be a better player?
O'NEAL: Uh . . .
MACKEY: Remember, you're under oath.
O'NEAL: Well . . . uh . . .
MACKEY: Under oath, Mr. O'Neal. Tell the truth. Answer the question. Are you fat and lazy?
O'NEAL: Uh . . . yes. Yes I am.
[BRYANT BREAKS INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.]
MACKEY: I have no further questions for this witness.
[MACKEY AND BRYANT HIGH-FIVE ONE ANOTHER. BRYANT WHISPERS SOMETHING ELSE INTO MACKEY'S EAR. SHE NODS AGAIN.]
MACKEY: Wait a minute, Your Honor. I do have a few more questions.
JUDGE: Proceed.
MACKEY: Mr. O'Neal, do you think there is any plausible explanation for a person who is paid nearly $30 million a year to play professional basketball to shoot 49 percent from the free throw line -- well below what even a mediocre girl in junior high basketball could shoot for free?
O'NEAL: You know . . . uh . . . it's complicated . . . I've got this wrist problem . . . and, uh . . .
MACKEY: Answer the question, Mr. O'Neal.
O'NEAL: Well . . . uh . . . sure, I think it's reasonable for a person who makes more than half of his team's entire salary to miss more than half of his free throws. Why not?
JUDGE: Mr. O'Neal -- come on, now. Let me remind you again that you're under oath. An answer like that will get you held in contempt and thrown in jail for perjury. Care to change your answer before I have you hauled out of here?
O'NEAL: Okay, okay. No, it's not acceptable for a person making nearly $30 million to shoot 49 percent from the line. In fact, it boggles the mind.
[BRYANT BREAKS INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER AGAIN.]
Looks like the Hack-A-Shaq theory has finally worked.
JUDGE: That's better. Proceed, Ms. Mackey.
[BRYANT WHISPERS SOMETHING INTO MACKEY'S EAR AGAIN. SHE NODS AGAIN. BRYANT THEN RAISES HIS HAND.]
JUDGE: Yes, Mr. Bryant. You want to speak?
BRYANT: Yes, Your Honor. [BRYANT RISES FROM HIS SEAT.] Is all of the stuff he just said on public record?
JUDGE: Yes.
BRYANT: Oh, man -- that's fantastic. [BRYANT SITS BACK DOWN WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.]
JUDGE: Ms. Mackey? Please continue.
MACKEY: Mr. O'Neal, in 1996 when you released a rap album called "The Best of Shaquille O'Neal," were you serious with that title? Or did you release it knowing it really, really stunk and were trying to be ironic or something?
[BRYANT TRIES TO STIFLE A LAUGH.]
EASTER: Objection, Your Honor. This line of questioning has no bearing on . . . actually, wait. Strike that. I don't object. I'd like to hear his answer to this.
JUDGE: I'm glad you said that. I was hoping to hear his response, too. Mr. O'Neal?
O'NEAL: I'm quite proud of the rap music I produced. I had a lot of hits to put on that album, from "What's Up Doc?" with Fu-Schnickens to, you know . . . uh . . . lots of stuff, like . . . uh . . . you know, various re-mixes of "What's Up Doc?" with Fu-Schnickens. To be honest, the toughest part was having to leave some absolutely dynamite stuff out of the album.
[BRYANT, MACKEY, EASTER, THE JUDGE, THE BAILIFF, THE JURY AND THE ENTIRE COURTROOM BURST INTO LAUGHTER THAT CONTINUES FOR SEVERAL MINUTES.]
MACKEY [STILL LAUGHING]: The defense has no further questions, Your Honor.
D.J. Gallo is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine, as well as the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com.
By DJ Gallo
Special to Page 2
Reports surfaced this week that if the Kobe Bryant case goes to trial, Shaquille O'Neal could be called to testify about an alleged encounter Bryant had with a woman at a Thanksgiving party at O'Neal's home in Orlando in 2002.
Of course, we can't be positive how O'Neal's testimony would play out, but we think it would go pretty much like this . . .
[SETTING: EAGLE COUNTY, COLORADO, COURTROOM; EARLY SEPTEMBER 2004]
Kobe Bryant can't wait to get Shaq under oath.
PROSECUTOR EASTER: Your Honor, the prosecution calls Shaquille O'Neal to the stand.
[O'NEAL RISES FROM HIS SEAT IN THE COUTROOM AND WALKS FORWARD. HE FLEXES HIS BICEPS AT THE JURY AND THEN PLACES HIS HAND ON THE BIBLE.]
BAILIFF (TO O'NEAL): Do you solemnly swear the testimony you shall present shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?
O'NEAL: I do.
[O'NEAL TAKES A SEAT ON THE WITNESS STAND.]
EASTER:: Mr. O'Neal, for the record, you also go by some known aliases -- Shaq, Shaq-Fu, The Big Aristotle -- is this correct?
O'NEAL: Yes.
EASTER: Are there any other names that you use?
O'NEAL: I used to be called Shaq Attaq. Sometimes I go by Shaq Daddy or Shaq Diesel. And a teammate once called me Wilt Chamberneezy, but I think that one is stupid, just like the former teammate who gave it to me. Today I feel like going by "Kobe's Guilty."
DEFENSE ATTORNEY MACKEY: Objection, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Sustained.
EASTER: Now, Mr. O'Neal, you held a party at your Orlando home on Thanksgiving 2002, is that correct?
O'NEAL: Yes, the Big Aristotle did hold such a party.
JUDGE: Mr. O'Neal, I'm going to tell you what I tell every athlete I've ever had in a trial: You can't refer to yourself in the third person during court proceedings, no matter how difficult that may be for you. It is very confusing when reading back the transcripts.
O'NEAL: The Big Prosecution Witness understands, Your Honor.
JUDGE: Seriously, knock it off.
O'NEAL: TWISM.
JUDGE: Huh? Whatever. Ms. Easter, please continue with your witness.
EASTER: At your 2002 Thanksgiving party, was the defendant, Mr. Bryant, present?
O'NEAL: Yes, he was there.
EASTER: Did you speak with him?
If Phil could get Rodman and MJ to get along, why not these two?
O'NEAL: Not really. We usually avoided each other whenever possible. In fact, I wasn't even going to invite him. but Phil Jackson assigned me a book called "Zen and The Art of Hospitality" that morning; and after reading a little bit of it, I decided to tell Kobe about the party.
EASTER: But you didn't talk to him at the party?
O'NEAL: No, I only heard him talk once.
EASTER: Describe that.
O'NEAL: Everyone on the team was gathered around the coffee table in my living room ogling the Jeannie Buss spread in a "Playboy" that Mark Madsen had brought with him. I remember Kobe saying to Derek Fisher that he thought Jeannie was really hot, but not to tell his wife because he would have to buy her some jewelry if she found out he felt that way.
EASTER: Jewelry?
O'NEAL: Yeah, any time Kobe did even the littlest thing, his ol' lady would give him a bunch of crap for it and make him buy her expensive stuff. I remember one time he forgot to pick up their dry cleaning on the way home from practice and he ended up buying her a $60,000 ruby necklace because of it. Another time he accidentally snuck a peak at the cleavage of a waitress who was pouring them wine when they were out for dinner, and his wife caught him looking. That cost him a diamond necklace that was like five or six hundred thousand dollars, I heard.
EASTER: Seriously?
O'NEAL: Seriously. Dude is whipped with stuff like that. It's almost as bad as Doug Christie and his crazy wife, if you can imagine that.
EASTER: You didn't hear him say anything else that night, other than the comments about Jeannie Buss and his wife to Derek Fisher?
O'NEAL: The only other thing I heard him say is that he wished the party had been held a lot closer to his hotel room so he wouldn't have to travel so far.
EASTER: I see. Did you notice if Mr. Bryant was drinking the night of your party?
O'NEAL: Oh, yeah -- definitely. I had made some Jell-O shots; and I noticed that after he went over to the bar, they were all gone.
EASTER: He took all the shots?
O'NEAL: Kobe always takes all the shots.
EASTER: How many do you think he took that night?
O'NEAL: That night, it was probably 30 or 35. It would have been better if he'd only taken 15 or 20 and passed the rest to me, but he just kept forcing the shots -- one after the other after the other after the other. Shot after shot after shot. On and on. It was so like him.
EASTER: At any time did you see Mr. Bryant alone with the woman who is accusing him of groping her at the party?
O'NEAL: No, I did not see them alone together. I did see Kobe go into a room where there was absolutely no one else, though. I can't say whether she followed him in there or not.
EASTER: You saw him go into an empty room? Why was the room empty?
O'NEAL: In my den on my 80-inch plasma screen that night, I was showing all of my movies on a continuous loop. "Blue Chips," "*****m," "Steel" -- all of them. For whatever reason, that room was empty the whole night. I never saw anybody go in there except Kobe.
Shaq has boycotted the Oscars ever since the *****m snub.
EASTER: Did you see Mr. Bryant leave the room?
O'NEAL: Yeah, he came running out a few seconds later. It looked like his eyes and ears were bleeding.
EASTER: Did you see the woman come out of the room, as well?
O'NEAL: No, I didn't. Look, I'd love to do what I can for you, but I don't think I can be too much help here. I didn't see him with that woman. I do wish you the best of luck in pursuing this case and getting a conviction, though.
EASTER: Thank you for your cooperation, Mr. O'Neal. No further questions.
JUDGE: Your witness, Ms. Mackey.
[BRYANT WHISPERS SOMETHING TO MACKEY BEFORE SHE RISES. SHE NODS HER HEAD AND APPROACHES THE WITNESS STAND.]
MACKEY: Mr. O'Neal, are you fat and lazy? And have you relied on your God-given size and strength your whole career instead of working to be a better player?
O'NEAL: Uh . . .
MACKEY: Remember, you're under oath.
O'NEAL: Well . . . uh . . .
MACKEY: Under oath, Mr. O'Neal. Tell the truth. Answer the question. Are you fat and lazy?
O'NEAL: Uh . . . yes. Yes I am.
[BRYANT BREAKS INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER.]
MACKEY: I have no further questions for this witness.
[MACKEY AND BRYANT HIGH-FIVE ONE ANOTHER. BRYANT WHISPERS SOMETHING ELSE INTO MACKEY'S EAR. SHE NODS AGAIN.]
MACKEY: Wait a minute, Your Honor. I do have a few more questions.
JUDGE: Proceed.
MACKEY: Mr. O'Neal, do you think there is any plausible explanation for a person who is paid nearly $30 million a year to play professional basketball to shoot 49 percent from the free throw line -- well below what even a mediocre girl in junior high basketball could shoot for free?
O'NEAL: You know . . . uh . . . it's complicated . . . I've got this wrist problem . . . and, uh . . .
MACKEY: Answer the question, Mr. O'Neal.
O'NEAL: Well . . . uh . . . sure, I think it's reasonable for a person who makes more than half of his team's entire salary to miss more than half of his free throws. Why not?
JUDGE: Mr. O'Neal -- come on, now. Let me remind you again that you're under oath. An answer like that will get you held in contempt and thrown in jail for perjury. Care to change your answer before I have you hauled out of here?
O'NEAL: Okay, okay. No, it's not acceptable for a person making nearly $30 million to shoot 49 percent from the line. In fact, it boggles the mind.
[BRYANT BREAKS INTO HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER AGAIN.]
Looks like the Hack-A-Shaq theory has finally worked.
JUDGE: That's better. Proceed, Ms. Mackey.
[BRYANT WHISPERS SOMETHING INTO MACKEY'S EAR AGAIN. SHE NODS AGAIN. BRYANT THEN RAISES HIS HAND.]
JUDGE: Yes, Mr. Bryant. You want to speak?
BRYANT: Yes, Your Honor. [BRYANT RISES FROM HIS SEAT.] Is all of the stuff he just said on public record?
JUDGE: Yes.
BRYANT: Oh, man -- that's fantastic. [BRYANT SITS BACK DOWN WITH A BIG SMILE ON HIS FACE.]
JUDGE: Ms. Mackey? Please continue.
MACKEY: Mr. O'Neal, in 1996 when you released a rap album called "The Best of Shaquille O'Neal," were you serious with that title? Or did you release it knowing it really, really stunk and were trying to be ironic or something?
[BRYANT TRIES TO STIFLE A LAUGH.]
EASTER: Objection, Your Honor. This line of questioning has no bearing on . . . actually, wait. Strike that. I don't object. I'd like to hear his answer to this.
JUDGE: I'm glad you said that. I was hoping to hear his response, too. Mr. O'Neal?
O'NEAL: I'm quite proud of the rap music I produced. I had a lot of hits to put on that album, from "What's Up Doc?" with Fu-Schnickens to, you know . . . uh . . . lots of stuff, like . . . uh . . . you know, various re-mixes of "What's Up Doc?" with Fu-Schnickens. To be honest, the toughest part was having to leave some absolutely dynamite stuff out of the album.
[BRYANT, MACKEY, EASTER, THE JUDGE, THE BAILIFF, THE JURY AND THE ENTIRE COURTROOM BURST INTO LAUGHTER THAT CONTINUES FOR SEVERAL MINUTES.]
MACKEY [STILL LAUGHING]: The defense has no further questions, Your Honor.
D.J. Gallo is a regular contributor to ESPN The Magazine, as well as the founder and sole writer of the award-winning sports satire site SportsPickle.com.
